Leave the kids at home from now on.
I'm getting better at remembering to update this but unfortuantely I only do it when absolutely nothing has been happening. If I updated more I'd have more readers and possibly some feedback. But anyway I've decided to not keep this blog anywhere near appropriate anymore. I have simply stopped caring if some kid come across it on a google search for a research topic. Let that be a lesson to their parents and enable the google filter.
Since I ahve been home one of my friends has turned me onto two books. Both are very hysterical and should be used as a refernce for all single men who could give two fucks about the person to their right. One of the books is "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" by Tucker Max. This guy is a king among men, A KING AMONG MEN!! The entire book consists of drunken debauchery and promiscuous behavior in his post undergrad life. In all honesty I have never laughed harder reading anything in my life. Not even silent in the head laughing but obnoxiously loud enough for my mom to try to read it. I refused her request. The other book looks like a bible pretty much because it is. If you want to know what it is ask me.
I should write more about the dumb things and poor desicions I have made in my life because those turn out to be alot more entertaining than some of the other bullshit. The following subject has also been talked about many times in a mans life and how he goes about it. Ladies can try to guess how we handle the situation but all theories can't be proven because they don't have a dick. I did not write this, it was written by a guy named luke. This is word for word his thoughts.
"Ladies and Gentlemen...I want to talk about something today that has made me tremble for years, its been one of my biggest fears in life...and I've decided to make it public. It's not something obvious like snakes, spiders, or squirrels...eh hem, not that I'm afraid of squirrels, little animals that movie at lightning speeds..always could attack but don't ...anyway anyway...this fear happens in the the classroom. You might ask...Whats so scary about the classroom? Are you having a test? A pop quiz? No folks...oh no...this is much worse...it is the classroom boner!...Ladies, if this sounds crass and obnoxious to you, I apologize...but I think you will find it interesting and informative, maybe even a little provocative...lol
NOW!, It doesn't just start in the classroom...it starts at the home. You don't know what happens...but men wake up in the morning with raging hard-ons, the tough taliwhacker. Every now and then its nice to wake up with a good morning wood...makes ya feel good inside, it's also a safety precaution... a friend of mine once told me, "Morning wood is like a kick-stand, it prevents you from falling out of the bed while you are sleeping." lol, anyway...it is also something to hide. Its like mission impossible, you have to get to the bathroom without anyone else in your family seeing the buldge coming from your gym shorts. So you poke your head out the into the hallway, no one's coming...you do that tip toe walk towards the bathroom and you're almost there and you hear your mom's voice behind you.."Good morning son"...YOU PANIC, let out a shriek and make a mad dash towards the bathroom...and slam the door shut! Your mother, concerned, asks if everything is alright...and gives that little tap tap on the door. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR ANSWERS SHORT! "yeah" "uh huh" "Just really had to go"...phewww she's gone. Anyway, so ladies idk if you know this but, when a man has a ..... he can't do things standing up straight. He has to bend his body in a 90 degree angle, just to go to the bathroom. ANYWAY...thats a perfect lead-in to the classroom.
So you get to first period class, you are damnnnnn tired, and the class starts. Who else is with me guys?? you'll be doing a math problem in that class, and then all of a sudden...(jaws theme song hits) you feel a little movement down there. OUT OF THE BLUE, for no apparent reason! You think nothing of it,and get back to your problem but it progressively gets worse. At this point in the class, everyone is dead silent and pretty still because we are all working on math problems. So you really do NOT want to rustle around down there and adjust it because of the amount of noise it will make. You're always afraid some asshole will look at you, and say "HEY EVERYBODY!...THIS GUY IS PLAYING WITH HIS DINKY DURING MATH CLASS!" ....and the whole class starts laughing...and pointing.....Anyway, so you let it sit...but folks...as we all know...these things have a mind of their own! It starts to slide up your thigh, and tickle you. I start to giggle...people look at me funny, and I clear my throat and give that serious look back down to the math problem, although you havnt been able to concentrate on it at all during this time...Then its almost like its starts to...tap you...like it was pet not getting enough attention...a cat nustling up against you. And then it bellows something to you "Hey buddy, how bout a little attention down here eh?" And I don't know about the rest of you guys out there but whenever MY penis talks to me...it talks in a 60 year old, lifetime smokers voice...if you can imagine that, it bullies me around. Sometimes you actually start talking back ..."What do you want me to do? I'm in the middle of math class what?"... Fuck you if you never talk to your yonker...its therapeutic! So anyway to make an incredibly lonnggggg story short...eh hem, heh heh heh, the teacher says "Time's up!...Now can we get someone to come up to the board and do this problem? hmmm any takers?" Of course you bury your head as low as you can get it...but deep down, you know!..you FEEL that he or she is going to call you. And then there it is..."LUKE!..come on UP!" You reply ..."I already am teach..." "What?" "Nothing." Now everyone is looking at you...You try to make up some lame excuse, "I can't, I uhhh don't know how to do it." Then the teacher offers to help you thru it. So you stand up...and try to disguise it by walking in that 90 degree angle, hunched over. Oh by the way, you wore sweatpants today for some strange reason. Bad luck. "I threw my back out yesterday...moving refridgerators. So thats why I'm hunched...not because I have a chubby or anything, haha(nervous laugh)." You do the problem, you write some random numbers on the board and you scurry back to your seat. You know you got the answer wrong but you don't care. Then when the teacher corrects it, you pretend like you really care what went wrong in that problem. "Oh I see yeah, uh huh right right." Everyone looks at you like ur a frikkan retard because the answer wasnt even close, and all you can think of...is... wow, this thing has been up for a while....if it lasts more than 4 hours, I'm going to have to go to the Nurse's office...FUCK!
Thank you for your time...just a passing thought...not that this...has ever happened to me before...eh hem, lol"
If you're reading this and you have a dick you know this has happened. There's no denying it. And if you don't have a dick then one of your questions has been answered. And no ladies guys dont bust nuts on the dance floor no matter how good of a dancer you are. It doesn't happen.
Since I ahve been home one of my friends has turned me onto two books. Both are very hysterical and should be used as a refernce for all single men who could give two fucks about the person to their right. One of the books is "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" by Tucker Max. This guy is a king among men, A KING AMONG MEN!! The entire book consists of drunken debauchery and promiscuous behavior in his post undergrad life. In all honesty I have never laughed harder reading anything in my life. Not even silent in the head laughing but obnoxiously loud enough for my mom to try to read it. I refused her request. The other book looks like a bible pretty much because it is. If you want to know what it is ask me.
I should write more about the dumb things and poor desicions I have made in my life because those turn out to be alot more entertaining than some of the other bullshit. The following subject has also been talked about many times in a mans life and how he goes about it. Ladies can try to guess how we handle the situation but all theories can't be proven because they don't have a dick. I did not write this, it was written by a guy named luke. This is word for word his thoughts.
"Ladies and Gentlemen...I want to talk about something today that has made me tremble for years, its been one of my biggest fears in life...and I've decided to make it public. It's not something obvious like snakes, spiders, or squirrels...eh hem, not that I'm afraid of squirrels, little animals that movie at lightning speeds..always could attack but don't ...anyway anyway...this fear happens in the the classroom. You might ask...Whats so scary about the classroom? Are you having a test? A pop quiz? No folks...oh no...this is much worse...it is the classroom boner!...Ladies, if this sounds crass and obnoxious to you, I apologize...but I think you will find it interesting and informative, maybe even a little provocative...lol
NOW!, It doesn't just start in the classroom...it starts at the home. You don't know what happens...but men wake up in the morning with raging hard-ons, the tough taliwhacker. Every now and then its nice to wake up with a good morning wood...makes ya feel good inside, it's also a safety precaution... a friend of mine once told me, "Morning wood is like a kick-stand, it prevents you from falling out of the bed while you are sleeping." lol, anyway...it is also something to hide. Its like mission impossible, you have to get to the bathroom without anyone else in your family seeing the buldge coming from your gym shorts. So you poke your head out the into the hallway, no one's coming...you do that tip toe walk towards the bathroom and you're almost there and you hear your mom's voice behind you.."Good morning son"...YOU PANIC, let out a shriek and make a mad dash towards the bathroom...and slam the door shut! Your mother, concerned, asks if everything is alright...and gives that little tap tap on the door. ALWAYS KEEP YOUR ANSWERS SHORT! "yeah" "uh huh" "Just really had to go"...phewww she's gone. Anyway, so ladies idk if you know this but, when a man has a ..... he can't do things standing up straight. He has to bend his body in a 90 degree angle, just to go to the bathroom. ANYWAY...thats a perfect lead-in to the classroom.
So you get to first period class, you are damnnnnn tired, and the class starts. Who else is with me guys?? you'll be doing a math problem in that class, and then all of a sudden...(jaws theme song hits) you feel a little movement down there. OUT OF THE BLUE, for no apparent reason! You think nothing of it,and get back to your problem but it progressively gets worse. At this point in the class, everyone is dead silent and pretty still because we are all working on math problems. So you really do NOT want to rustle around down there and adjust it because of the amount of noise it will make. You're always afraid some asshole will look at you, and say "HEY EVERYBODY!...THIS GUY IS PLAYING WITH HIS DINKY DURING MATH CLASS!" ....and the whole class starts laughing...and pointing.....Anyway, so you let it sit...but folks...as we all know...these things have a mind of their own! It starts to slide up your thigh, and tickle you. I start to giggle...people look at me funny, and I clear my throat and give that serious look back down to the math problem, although you havnt been able to concentrate on it at all during this time...Then its almost like its starts to...tap you...like it was pet not getting enough attention...a cat nustling up against you. And then it bellows something to you "Hey buddy, how bout a little attention down here eh?" And I don't know about the rest of you guys out there but whenever MY penis talks to me...it talks in a 60 year old, lifetime smokers voice...if you can imagine that, it bullies me around. Sometimes you actually start talking back ..."What do you want me to do? I'm in the middle of math class what?"... Fuck you if you never talk to your yonker...its therapeutic! So anyway to make an incredibly lonnggggg story short...eh hem, heh heh heh, the teacher says "Time's up!...Now can we get someone to come up to the board and do this problem? hmmm any takers?" Of course you bury your head as low as you can get it...but deep down, you know!..you FEEL that he or she is going to call you. And then there it is..."LUKE!..come on UP!" You reply ..."I already am teach..." "What?" "Nothing." Now everyone is looking at you...You try to make up some lame excuse, "I can't, I uhhh don't know how to do it." Then the teacher offers to help you thru it. So you stand up...and try to disguise it by walking in that 90 degree angle, hunched over. Oh by the way, you wore sweatpants today for some strange reason. Bad luck. "I threw my back out yesterday...moving refridgerators. So thats why I'm hunched...not because I have a chubby or anything, haha(nervous laugh)." You do the problem, you write some random numbers on the board and you scurry back to your seat. You know you got the answer wrong but you don't care. Then when the teacher corrects it, you pretend like you really care what went wrong in that problem. "Oh I see yeah, uh huh right right." Everyone looks at you like ur a frikkan retard because the answer wasnt even close, and all you can think of...is... wow, this thing has been up for a while....if it lasts more than 4 hours, I'm going to have to go to the Nurse's office...FUCK!
Thank you for your time...just a passing thought...not that this...has ever happened to me before...eh hem, lol"
If you're reading this and you have a dick you know this has happened. There's no denying it. And if you don't have a dick then one of your questions has been answered. And no ladies guys dont bust nuts on the dance floor no matter how good of a dancer you are. It doesn't happen.
posted by Craig at 9:29 PM
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